My (38M) marriage with my wife (37F) is toxic. I'm struggling to leave because I still love her.

2021.10.20 04:46 Killintime4fun My (38M) marriage with my wife (37F) is toxic. I'm struggling to leave because I still love her.

I've started to type this post so many times, I've forgotten. Every time I type it, it's a novel and I feel like no one would want to read it so I never post. But I'm to a breaking point so I'm going to post it anyways and hope a few of you actually want to spend too much of your day reading it. Most of you won't want to hear about my stupidity. If it's too long, just scroll to the next post. For those that actually may want to stick around- I'm in an extremely toxic relationship that I can't seem to quit.
I'm 38M. Wife is 37F. We have two daughters - 9,6. We've known each other since we were young. Dated in HS briefly then broke it off. Reconnected over a holiday break when I was a freshman in college and she was a senior in HS and started dating. She ended up attending the same college as me. We got married a few years out of college. A few years after that, we bought a house then had our first daughter. Then second daughter a few years later.
I think it's important to note that my wife has emotional trauma from her best friend being murdered when she was a junior in HS. A truly sad story of wrong place, wrong time. She also has sexual trauma from her college years that I didn't find out about until just a few years ago- she kept it secret for well over a decade. I have a lot of trauma from a rocky childhood - one of those childhood situations where it looked rosy from the outside but had an emotionally abusive, alcoholic father who treated my mother (and frequently us - his kids) like crap. I think this plays a role in my response to what you're about to read as well as my wife's behavior. But I digress...
Right after we got married, my wife changed. A lot. I know people say that frequently but we had recently moved to a new city and she immediately became extremely controlling. She had always displayed some of these tendencies when we were dating but it wasn't extreme. Once we were married, it became extreme. I'll give a few examples just to help paint the picture (although there are hundreds more). Keep in mind that below I say I wasn't "allowed" to do things. What I mean by that is that she'd forbid it or find every reason why I couldn't and if I pushed forward anyways (because it was innocent or well-intended), I'd get an extremely angry, passive-aggressive response that made life miserable.
----I couldn't use the master toilet in our house. Ever. I stunk it up one day and ever since then, she forbid it.
----I wasn't allowed to have any friends. She had zero reason not to trust me (I wouldn't even go to a lunch with a female coworker without telling her beforehand who was all going and where) but she had deep-seeded trust issues and my having friends or any social contact seemed to make her extremely jealous. Every time I had something planned with a buddy/coworkers/etc, there was always a reason she'd find that I couldn't go (even if it had been long planned). If I did, I was "picking them over her" or "them over our family." As a result, I went nearly a decade without a single guys night or any real socialization with anyone that didn't also include her.
----She values sleep (who doesn't) but if I woke up in the mornings before her, I was to lay in bed until she got up so as not to wake her. Even on the weekends when I'd wake at 7 and her 9- two hours of just laying there, trying to be quiet on my phone. In the evenings, I was to go to bed when she did so I didn't wake her. If she went to bed at 9, that was my bed time as well. I could go to bed earlier than her but never later.
----I'm not allowed to touch her car even though I was paying for it. I couldn't wash it. Clean it. Back it out of the driveway.
----When I was hesitant on having kids (we were 27/26 at the time) because we were debating a move, she legitimately told me several times that if I wasn't ready to have kids she was going to have to leave me because she wanted 2 by the time she was 30 and she was already 26.
----I wasn't allowed to cook on the stove because I had made a let a pot boil over once and it made a mess that took forever to clean. One time, I cooked a nice dinner before she got home from work, cleaned everything up (except for the meal itself) so the kitchen was spotless. When she walked in, she was angry that I had cooked because...I still don't know. I wasn't allowed to do it and I did it anyways.
----She would hawk our bank account - even though we had a comfortable amount of money in there - and if I spent $2 at a gas station I'd get a call at work about why and ridiculed on if that was necessary. (In fairness, this was less of an issue in later years when we had much more money in the bank but we had plenty at the time of these events as well.)
----I can't even sit on our living room furniture. Not even when clean right after a shower because it'll "mess it up." The kids aren't allowed to touch it either. It's 5 years old now and I've got more fingers on my hand than the number of times it's been sat on.
----I'm not allowed to use her phone charger because "I might break it." (huh?)
----Hell, I even have a certain way I have to mow the yard - clippings have to go a certainly direction - or I'm not allowed to do it and she'll do it herself. And then she'll be mad that "she had to do it."
Everything has a place and a method and a process and if you don't do it exactly how she wants, all hell breaks loose. If she's not clinically OCD then she's close. You get the picture. I know it sounds crazy to deal with that (and much, much more) but it's definitely one of those things that turned up over the years like a frog sitting in a heating pot on the stove - it doesn't hit you all at once, it just gradually gets worse and worse.
Ok, so that's bad enough but then there was the lack of sex. I now know some (potentially a lot) of this is because of her past trauma - which she refuses to get help for because "I will not have someone tell me how to think or feel" - but once we got married, our sex life disappeared. It went from about 1x a month when dating/engaged to 2-3x a year at most with some dry periods lasting 1-1.5 years.
We'd go on exotic, romantic trips and she refused to touch me. There was always an excuse but the most common one was that she didn't want to be viewed sexually by me - "she was not going to be my sex doll." (Again, I think a lot of this was a trauma response but I didn't know about the trauma for much of the time and it caused a lot of resentment and constant feeling of rejection.)
We added kids in the equation in our late 20s and that's only compounded the anxiety/stress/OCD to the point her own parents refuse to visit because they felt unwelcome and uncomfortable. If they do come into town (they live 4 hours away), they stay in a hotel so they don't have to be in a stressful environment and can leave if she goes off.
I tried everything I could to fix things over the years. I killed myself at work, working 60+ hour weeks so she could work a flexible P/T schedule and raise the kids (an agreement that she wanted and to which I agreed). When I got home in the evenings or was home on the weekends, I took over as many chores in the household and with kiddos as possible to try to relieve the tension and stress. I walked on eggshells daily.
About 5 years ago, I snapped. We had been in a 1.5 year dry spell sexually and we were arguing daily. Life was hard. Work was hard. Kids were hard. While at work one day, I attempted to look up a coworkers skirt as she was bending over. She realized what I did, filed a sexual harassment complaint and I was immediately fired. Career I'd spent a decade building? Done. And my firing - and why I was fired - made its way through all our social circles. Let me be clear: there was zero excuse for my actions. It was unfair to the woman. It hurt my wife. It hurt my family. It was a horrible decision and I deserved to have the crap beat out of me because of it. It was flat out wrong.
I got a new job fairly quickly but in a trade field that my wife didn't respect at all and she reminded me of it all the time. It was good money - not quite as much as before but enough to continue our lifestyle. But my wife hated me. She resented me. Nearly daily she'd say she was married to a pervert. She lost all her respect for me and it was evident. I had been seeing a counselor for years due to our marital issues (she refused to go) but I went into a deep depression. I had lost my hard-earned career. I had lost the respect of my wife. I felt worthless as a provider, husband, father, human being. I put in a gun to my head that year but kept thinking about my daughters and how I couldn't do that to them and it passed. But I was still deeply depressed.
Two years go by and my wife and I are just co-existing. There's no physical/emotional intimacy. We're roommates. She's still extremely resentful and won't let it go. I probably should've left her then - not because she was resentful - I get that - but because she was still holding it over my head and it was still affecting her immensely and she was hurting me immensely because of it.
At some point, in one of our calmer moments, when she was actually feeling a bit frisky (an extremely rare occurrence), I brought up the idea of someone else in the bedroom. I don't know if it's because I had seen it regularly in pornography (I didn't watch porn a ton but certainly did some after years without sex). I don't know if it's because I felt guilty for what I had done. I don't know why I brought it up...but I did. She was clear that she didn't want to act on it at all but the idea of it turned her on and we had amazing sex for the first time in many years. So, naturally, I brought it up more often and that got her in the mood more frequently. Our relationship started getting better - she genuinely started to treat me better, she desired sex with me more, etc. It was a good run for several months but it wasn't to last because, well, we acted on it.
We found a guy that lived a few hours away that was willing to be involved with us. Except he didn't really want me in the room. He mostly just wanted to bang my wife but said he was willing to make me feel a part. Maybe it was the guilt talking - maybe I truly was turned on by my wife being desired by someone else- I still don't know. But I agreed with explicit instructions that I was to be involved in some way (I didn't care if it was pictures, videos, etc- just make me feel included because I am not into feeling humiliated) and was not signing off on an affair. This was supposed to be something for us to explore and we all agreed to end it if anyone felt uncomfortable.
But just like you hear all the time - that didn't happen. She stayed overnight with him the first night and I didn't get anything. Texts went unanswered. Phone calls went unanswered. No videos. No pictures. I was hurt and felt used because I had only agreed to this under certain circumstances that I wasn't even that ok with to begin with but was willing to accommodate. When she returned the next day from her night with him, I told her I wasn't mad- I had ok'd this- but that wasn't at all what I was looking for and it couldn't happen again.
It was too late. She had fallen for this guy. She admitted that he would be a bad husband and a bad father but she was really attracted to his confidence, independence, and she told me she respected him more than me. That just caused me to work harder to gain her trust and love and do everything I could to salvage the relationship. And as I worked harder at our relationship, she just leaned more into him. Over the span of 5 months, she went on half a dozen dates and stayed with him overnight once despite my very clear (frequently angry and vocal) expression that it was not ok with me and that she was hurting me. Her response? "I'm sorry I'm hurting you but I'm going anyways." I should've left. But I didn't because I loved her.
I confronted the guy multiple times and was met with "I don't care what you want, if your wife wants me then I'm going to do what she's willing to do. She doesn't need to be married to a pervert like you anyways." I'm not a hateful person but I've never wanted to kill a man more. I already got in trouble once for being stupid. I didn't need to go to jail for what I'd do to him.
I filed for divorce but never really got much farther because I didn't really want a divorce. I slept at the office on the couch for 7 months because she forbid us spending money on an apartment but I couldn't be in the same house while she was still in contact with her affair partner- it killed me. I'd go up to the office after the kids went to bed (so they didn't know I was absent) and would return before they got up in the AM to get them ready for school. It was an emotional and physical drain.
I eventually couldn't do that anymore and we separated and I got an apartment. We split custody as if we were divorced but both still saw each other and the kids daily. Her interactions with her affair partner began to dwindle. Parenting is tough and she began working more and he lived hours away and also worked a bunch. Their communication was still there, just not daily. My wife and I would see each other every evening (either at kids events or for dinner) and we would talk every night for over an hour. That was absurd on my part to give her so much access to me despite all that was going on/had gone on but I did because I hoped...maybe...we could save our marriage. (I guess?)
Her control of me during the separation was still there - maybe even heightened because I wasn't present. At one point, I discovered she had a friend follow me around in the AM to see if I was running around on her (I wasn't).
I eventually met another girl through mutual friends that was recently divorced and we hit it off. We never acted on anything (in any physical way) but we began getting close. I eventually called it off before it got too far because I could see that it could lead down a destructive path and either (A) make the repair of my marriage impossible or (B) cause the dissolution of the marriage to be a utter shitshow. And truth be told, I still had feelings for my wife and it wasn't fair to pursue someone if I couldn't commit to her.
It was hard to end that relationship, however, because I was feeling more confident in myself than ever and was happy for the first time in a long time. I still think it was the right call, though. My wife did eventually find out about this person and went absolutely crazy. Accused me of sleeping around (we never did) and every interaction I had with a female was treated as if I was cheating. One poor woman with which I had a strict business relationship was put through the ringer because my wife swore we were doing stuff behind her back despite the fact that I'd never even seen this woman outside of a business setting with other people around. In hindsight, I think she was looking for the mirror of her actions in me to make herself feel better about what had happened/was happening. Or it was an attempt to get me under control. Or both.
About 10 months ago - this is about 2.5 years into this mess involving third wheel- my wife said she wanted me to move back in. She had gotten into a big fight 6 months prior with "the guy" where he treated her "worse than she's ever been treated" and realized it wasn't going to work with him. I told her I needed to think through it but that, if I did, I needed 3 things - 1. Counseling 2. All contact with her affair partner had to be gone completely and 3. I needed to know that she loved me. I needed to see that she wanted for me (emotionally/physically), cared about my feelings, and was truly committed to a relationship where we both sacrificially loved hard for each other. She wasn't sure if she could commit to all of that.
She's an accountant and, despite their dwindling relationship, was doing all of her (ex?) affair partner's accounting work which created some regular contact that she was unsure of how to end. She absolutely refused counseling and said if she did go she'd "sit there and not say a word even if prompted because she wasn't going to participate." (Ok, thanks?) And she repeatedly said my #3 of needing to feel loved was too ambiguous. I told her I was ok with a messy marriage if we were trying to repair but I needed that kind of commitment from her.
Ultimately, she couldn't give me the commitment so I didn't move back. Yet. We continued to co-parent well over the next 8 months, both seeing the kids daily to keep their lives as sane as normal. We went on a couple of family vacations together. We went to lunch during the work day regularly. We ate dinner together as a family regularly. We went to social events regularly like nothing was wrong. And we talked every night like clockwork.
Outside of doing his taxes, she hadn't seen her affair partner in over a year until this past June when he called her up and said he was in town. I had the kids that night at my apartment and she actually called me and told me he called and was in town and that she might run to the restaurant to see him. I said, "You know how I feel but my guess is you'll still do whatever you want to do." She went to dinner with him. At this point, I wasn't even surprised. I was literally numb.
More recently, I discovered that he has been reaching out to her via Snapchat. She swears their conversations are all one-sided and mostly of him just trying to make contact with her because she hasn't seen him but once- this past June- in 18 months. But I have no idea if that's true or not. Snapchat doesn't keep a record. He did send her a text message to her phone (which she told me about- I didn't discover) just a few days ago, probably because she wasn't responding on any other platforms. She didn't respond.
Two months ago, my apartment lease doubled in rent (I was getting a pretty good deal before but this new rate was going to be sky high and I couldn't afford it and the house mortgage). We hadn't slept in the same bed in 3+ years at this point. I told her that I had to move again but if I did lease a new place, we had to finalize the divorce. I was tired of living my life on hold. Or I could move back but I needed that commitment from her and the three things I previously discussed. She said she would "try" to work on it so, against my better judgment, I moved back.
Since moving back, things haven't gone well. I genuinely don't believe she's talking to affair partner anymore but it could be hidden in Snapchat for all I know. She did his accounting work recently so I know there was some communication but she swears it was 100% professional. (I honestly don't care enough anymore to try to find out if that's true or not. I either trust her or I don't.) Outside of when she saw him this past June she hasn't seen him in-person in 1.5 years.
However, despite saying she wants me there, she's still not comfortable with me sleeping in our bed. She's says it's stupid that where I physically sleep matters and is afraid all I'm going to want is sex? So I've been sleeping in the guest bedroom for the last two months since I moved back. I get up before her so I shower and get ready for work at the gym instead of waking her by using the master shower. (And the guest shower is off limits because it's strictly for guests.)
She still refuses counseling. She says she will not communicate with affair partner anymore but will feel guilty if she doesn't do his accounting work so that's "going to be tough." And she says she "has no way to keep him from reaching out to me." Her OCD-ness is still at an all-time high and makes me feel like a complete stranger in my own house and I'm walking on eggshells again. And we haven't had sex in 3+ years. She says she's not sure when she'd be willing to do that again but it "could be years." But...she also says she loves me and every single time I begin pulling away she yanks me back in with "I love you" and "I don't want a divorce" and "Please don't leave me" language.
Truth is, she's extremely beautiful and has been my best friend since I was 18, we have kids together, have gone through a lot of life together, get along well around our kids, and she can be extremely charming- even loving - when she wants to be. Despite all that's happened, we get along better day-to-day than some married couples I know who fight like cats and dogs. But there is zero emotionally intimacy in our relationship. I feel like she's built a massive wall around herself emotionally because she doesn't want to get hurt and doesn't want to lose control of her environment and no one is allowed in. And while that kind of trauma response may be logical, her inability/unwillingness to work on taking it down will not work for our relationship long term and isn't healthy for her whether we are together or not.
And, despite how insanely stupid I've been through all of this and all the hell she's put me through, I can't seem to leave this toxic situation. I feel like she clearly doesn't really love me or she would be willing to commit to working on our relationship and would care about how her actions and lack of commitment and closeness hurts me. She'd care that I'm sleeping in the guest bedroom and showering at the gym instead of being with her. She'd care that I'm constantly rejected for sex and have been for many years. She'd show a real desire for our relationship and want to fix it with tangible actions.
But...I still love her. I can- somehow - still picture an amazing life with her, even though it'll probably never happen and I'm holding onto a pipedream. I sometimes still feel like she cares for me, even though her actions consistently show that she doesn't and that she doesn't respect me. And she'll admit she still hasn't forgiven me for my selfish and completely inappropriate actions 5+ years ago which is part of her hesitation.
To be honest, I've now started to become more emotionally imbalanced. I'm snappy more than I should be because I'm still hurt from the past and from her lack of willingness to just say, "I love you and will do whatever it takes as long as you are too." I'll never get that from her. And I know I have to do something.
If you've hung around this long, thank you. You didn't have to read my shitshow novel but I appreciate it. My question is - Why can't I leave this relationship? Why can't I just acknowledge how unhealthy it is? Why can't I just move on? Why am I so co-dependent on her? What the hell is wrong with me?
TL; DR - I'm an idiot and can't leave a bad marriage.
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